Blog posts

A question for my friend

Do you know I always feel like a loner even when I am with you? Do I like it? Well, on the high self esteem days, Yes. So what happens on the low ones? I cry it out and hold my head high after that, cleaning every iota of tear from my cheeks.

Perhaps both of us have different definitions of friendship. I know ideologies differ all the time but when one is sad, mind does not reason at all.

I make it seem like I am the only person that goes through these situations. Tense and motivating at the same time, though.

I have a confession to make, I feel insecure that I will lose you. I feel jealous when your ‘other friends’ take priority over me.

I hide myself all the time, because if you really see who I am inside, you might not like me at all. I want to be appreciated by you. Is it too much to ask?

I want you to come and ask me, what’s wrong with me when I behave weird. I want you to hug me and say ‘I am there for you’.

I hate to see you giggle with your so called friends, when I sit in my room bursting into soft sobs, trying to unburden myself while keeping it low.

So today, I want to ask you my friend, does that insecurity of not having a friend’s shoulder to cry upon linger in your heart too?

Do you (like me) constantly try to maintain a good relationship with your friend while trying to make them like you as well?

Do you cry for someone like I cry for you?

Have you ever held someone’s hand like I hold yours?

Do you have a loyalty to anyone as tight as the dedication I have shown for you?

The day of decision has arrived. I guess I am back on my self esteem.

It is not friendship where you constantly seek others approval.

It is not friendship when you hide your-self from me while I hide mine.

There will never be a friendship where only one receives while the other keeps giving.

The 3 am talks do not mean a thing if you can’t show an ounce of sympathy at 9 pm.

Dear friend, please tell me when can we have an honest conversation for once, where you don’t feel violated.

Am I wrong to trust you? Was I wrong the whole time?

I regret trying hard for you. I regret trying to be a better person for you. I want to hate you so deeply with my heart and move on, but before that I need to overcome the hatred I have for myself for not hating you at all.

They say ‘Friendship is not for the fainthearted’. Guess, that stands true beyond compare.

This is for everyone reading this. Is anyone ever capable of making the ‘true friends’? Do you also have friends who you call ‘your life’ but you feel like you’re a ‘loner like always and will always be’.

I want to cry out so loud that my heart will burst, but I can’t do that, instead I sit here writing this blog.

Despite of all this, I still want to be friends with you, still want to trust you, still want to be loyal to you and still care about you.

Please tell me, it’s right to do so.

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रिमझिम (Rim-jhim)

9-rain-photography

Image courtesy: webneel.com

 

 

(Rim-jhim is a hindi word which means ‘drizzling’ i.e. light rain falling in very fine drops.)

Isn’t the tranquil sight of the moon in the night sky with its sentinel like stars, the most beautiful thing ever? But not to Anna.  Looking out of the window, she said,” Another day has passed, no sign of hope. It’s like asking the sky for rains when the only thing it can give you is darkness.”

Jeremy immediately altered Anna’s statement to positive, “The moonlit sky is the testimony of the brightest of the moments and even in the darkest of the nights, the luminescent stars remind us to have hope.”

“Oh really, so why isn’t there any hope of me becoming a mother, should I go and ask the stars about that?, she retorted.

“No, I’m sorry I did not mean that”,said Jeremy.

Anna and Jeremy had been married for thirteen years now. Initially Anna hid the pain of not having a child by saying ‘Oh, it’s too early, I haven’t even enjoyed my life yet.’ But these words seemed to have taken a toll on her. Jeremy on the other hand was equally dejected but he did not let this emotional turmoil overpower him. He was somehow like Anna minus a little bit of despondency.

For years Anna had been like that, longing in remorse, waiting for a little soul to light up their home and their lives.

Days passed gloomy in her life as she could not concentrate on her life anymore. The moon was no longer beautiful to her, she felt a certain haunting in the light of the moon, though painful it helped her negate the pain. She wasn’t willing to let go of the fact that she needs to move on in her life and things will fall in place. Sometimes, Jeremy would try to cheer her up but she shielded herself from the oblivion’s curse.

Jeremy kept pretending to be his usual self with that assuring voice but he had become more of a flickering light trying to fight the mighty darkness.

“Enough,” said Jeremy. He thought to himself, “I need to share my feelings with her, we can’t go on living like this. This empty marriage is piercing my soul of its very existence.”

Having confronted Anna regarding their marriage, both of them agreed to give a chance to their marriage, and share their feelings no matter what at all times. That night they poured their hearts out, Anna and Jeremy had become one soul it seemed. How they had missed completing each other’s sentences, the sheer beauty of a heartfelt conversation. That night they talked, even when the room went dark, not even realizing that they had fallen asleep in each other’s arms.

Days now passed satisfactorily. Anna was back to normal or so it appeared to be and Jeremy was catching up with life as well. The void in their marriage was getting filled and the chaos, fading away.

One day, while she was sleeping in Jeremy’s arms like they had been from that day, she was awakened by a sudden thunder in the sky. She thought it would be raining hard but to her surprise, it was only drizzles. Jeremy woke up too but was disappointed to only see the drizzles. “So much of a thunder for these tiny drops”, he remarked.

He wouldn’t know, how would he? But Anna had got her sign.  Contently, she walked back to the bed in Jeremy’s arms.

That day, it only drizzled but it rained for the whole summer. Jeremy however, could not fathom of what had happened to the skies. The sky had become beautiful to her, the stars shining like a living hymn bearing her testimony and the moon was pale no more.

(This post is dedicated to my friend Rimjhim who recently celebrated her 21st birthday. Happy birthday and more love to you.)

Jumbled-up Genius.

(This post was written during my office hours as I quietly sat in the corner, all excited about my new blog.)

Relevant information first: This blog is an attempt to channelize my thoughts into a more documented state and also give a shot at writing. Feel free to be critical but nicely.

I am so proud of my title that I feel like rewarding myself(Jumps excitedly in her mind, because office). About my writing, (deep breath) not so sure. Have read a few blogs as to where to start but still completely clueless. Must have a captivating beginning they say which is exactly the opposite to my post’s beginning.

Do I write about myself, do I write about my mundane life in general and all the things I do, philosophical stuff, may be? (knows a bit but not enough to write about), college may be or yes, a travel blog (The only problem being, I know nothing about it.) Stories, essays, journals, pictures or what? (shouts out loud in the head ) Welcome to the genuine problems of a person who likes almost everything but isn’t inclined towards any. I can tell you the reason also, I pick the nice in everything.

The only thing I am clear about is that my posts should be conversations and not just lifeless write-ups.

So, here I am introducing you to this journey of musings(mostly) and rantings(but beautiful) for now. Gradually I will venture into more creative writing as I develop my interests and understand what I can do & cannot do. (Though, there’s nothing in the world I cannot do, if only I believe in myself, work hard and have faith. Courtesy: Momma)

(General movie introduction plays in the head with a nice background song.)

Hello this is Xyz, describes the setting nicely, does not leave even one detail unlike me whose description level is this. Ready to publish my first post. Yay!